


Epiphany

by Daisy_Morgan



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e21 Starsky vs Hutch, First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-26 11:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20929109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisy_Morgan/pseuds/Daisy_Morgan
Summary: A missing scene before the tag of Starsky vs Hutch.





	Epiphany

It was the day after Joey almost killed them with the grenade. The day after Kira decided to choose Joey the serial killer, Joey the attempted mass murderer, over either of the men she claimed to love.

The traumatized disabled veteran who had brazenly murdered three innocent women before attempting to blow up everyone inside the dance hall last night had somehow attracted sudden pity and attention from her.

After Starsky and Hutch arrested him, they went to Metro to type up the police report and almost sounded cordial to each other. Hutch, who couldn’t bear to look Starsky in the eyes, and Starsky, who was still hurt and angry over finding Hutch at Kira’s house the other day, avoided each other's gaze as they hunched over their paperwork.

It was after midnight last night when Starsky finally got home. They both had today off and despite his anger, he had hoped to hear from Hutch. Had hoped for an apology and an explanation for Hutch’s behavior. But it would have to be a damned good explanation.

But there was nothing. Once, he had even picked up the phone to call Hutch but then slammed the receiver down in disgust. Hutch had hurt him. Badly. He had slept with Kira after Starsky had confided that he loved her. Hutch needed to make the first move. Hutch needed to be the one to make amends.

And besides, maybe he wasn’t quite ready to forgive his partner yet. No matter how good his explanation was, Starsky wanted to wallow in self-pity for a bit.

So he sat on his couch all day and ruminated. He thought about Kira. When he and Hutch were fighting, she made it all about her, assumed they were fighting over her. She wanted to be the center of attention.

And then he thought about Minnie and how she had asked him if he was taking good care of that gorgeous blond sergeant. Asked him if he was carrying a torch for her. She was referring to Kira. But Kira wasn’t the only gorgeous blond sergeant at Metro.

But most of all, he thought about Hutch. How he had slept on Hutch’s couch the other day, waiting all night for him to come home. And how he was so pleased when Hutch came over to his house the next morning. He had felt…..giddy. Yes, that’s what it felt like when Hutch walked into his kitchen after throwing the newspaper at him. Giddy. He remembered how he had brushed the spilled coffee from Hutch’s jacket as they talked in Starsky’s kitchen. The same kitchen where they had sat on the floor two years earlier and cried together after Terry died.

All day, Starsky sat on his couch and reflected on how he felt when he saw them together at the dance hall, Hutch and Kira, and he wondered which one he was really jealous of. He thought about that feeling of betrayal, that ripping of his heart, when he saw Hutch come out of Kira’s bedroom, tucking in his shirt. When everything changed.

Hutch had ghosted him all that week, not just today. Even before Starsky found him at Kira’s, Hutch had ghosted him at the dance hall. Why? Starsky couldn’t come up with an answer. When had Hutch ever done such things before?

Then Starsky thought about Lisa Kendricks. How they had acted when they were guarding her last year and she ended up at Hutch’s apartment that night. He and Hutch had played a competitive but friendly game of one-upmanship to see who could score Lisa for the evening, and Starsky had won, despite Hutch pulling one of his meanest tricks by not allowing Starsky to use the bathroom. Yet in the end, Starsky had slept on his couch while Lisa slept alone in his bed. And he knew Hutch would have done the same.

And then Lisa ended up duping them both. And she didn’t even bother to get their names straight.

So what was different this time? Why was Starsky suddenly so jealous? Hutch had called him a stuffed shirt. And sitting on the couch pondering, he had to admit to himself that Hutch might have been right.

And why did he direct all his anger at Hutch, and none at Kira?

And just who was he jealous of?

Starsky sat on the couch and thought about it. And then thought about it some more. And finally, after many hours, he came to a realization. And he finally admitted to himself what he had felt all along but had kept pushed into the back recesses of his mind because he had thought it was futile to believe in.

But then he realized it was even more futile now that Hutch had slept with Kira. And now he wasn’t just hurt and angry, he was also despondent.

He was just about to give up hearing from Hutch that day when there was a sudden knock on the door. Starsky glanced at his watch. It was 10:30pm.

He looked through the little window and saw Hutch standing outside. There was that feeling of giddiness again, competing with the hurt and anger. He opened the door.

“Can I come in?” Hutch asked quietly.

Starsky nodded his head and Hutch stepped inside. It was then that Starsky noticed how red and puffy Hutch’s eyes were, as if he’d been crying for hours.

Hurt and angry, not wanting to ask but needing to know, Starsky asked “You okay?”

“I need to talk to you.” Hutch sounded like he was talking through a mouthful of rocks.

“Want a beer?” Starsky asked, watching him closely. Hutch nodded and then sat on the couch, moving slowly as if every muscle ached.

Starsky brought over two beers and sat on the chair facing Hutch. He studied Hutch’s face for a moment. “You been cryin’? Whatsa matter?” Alarm and pity were added to the varied emotions that were roiling around inside him.

“Oh, Starsk,” Hutch said, but that was all he could manage. It seemed to Starsky that Hutch was trying desperately to hold back tears.

After a pause while Hutch was silent, Starsky asked, “You gonna tell me what’s goin’ on or do I have to pull it outta you?” His tone sounded flippant but his expression was one of grave concern.

Hutch managed to eke out “I’m sorry, Starsk,” before falling silent again, a tear beginning to streak down his cheek now.

“About Kira?” asked Starsky.

“Yeah,” Hutch answered.

“Okay.” Starsky felt relieved at hearing Hutch say the words, but he still needed to know why.

“Tell me why you slept with her. I told you I loved her, and you went over to her place and……and…..you fucked her? Why?” Starsky’s voice started rising and he felt unable to control it.

“That’s not why I went over there,” Hutch protested, shaking his head.

“Oh come on! That’s bullshit and you know it! You’re tellin’ me you went there for another reason? You just decided to go see the woman I love for some other reason? And then you just happened to sleep with her while you were there?” Starsky was visibly angry now, and he wanted Hutch to know it. He wanted Hutch to know how much he was hurting.

“Starsk, my dad had a heart attack today.”

Starsky was stunned. “Shit, hey, I’m sorry Hutch, I’m really sorry about your dad…..I didn’t know. Is he gonna be okay?”

“I don’t know,” said Hutch as he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to fight back tears.

Is that why he’d been crying all day?, Starsky thought to himself. “When did you find out?”

“My mother called me this morning. I couldn’t fly to Duluth because I have to testify at that rapist’s trial tomorrow. I’ve been…….”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” asked Starsky, forgetting all about the betrayal and how angry he was at Hutch.

“How could I? After what I did, after I saw how upset you were with me, I wasn’t going to come over asking for sympathy as if nothing had happened,” Hutch said.

“But you’re here now,” Starsky noted, the anger threatening to come back.

“Yeah,” Hutch said, massaging his forehead with his fingers as if he had a headache. “I need to talk to you, Starsk. I spent all day thinking about my dad, about what happened with Kira, about John Blaine. But mostly, thinking about you.” He looked directly at Starsky when he said that last part.

“John Blaine?” asked Starsky.

“Yeah. Look, there’s something I need to tell you, but I don’t know how. My dad, he could have died today. He could still die.” Hutch let out a sob as he said the words. “So I realized, you know, that life is short. I made a decision that I would come here and I would tell you everything.” Hutch paused. “But I’m scared. I can’t bear the thought of losing him and then losing you. I’m afraid of fucking everything up, Starsk, even more than I already have. I don’t know what to do.”

Starsky looked at Hutch, bewildered. He suspected Hutch was rambling on about more than one thing, but he didn’t know if those things were related or not.

“Lose me? How long we known each other, huh? Whatever it is you need to tell me, just tell me. And what the hell does John Blaine have to do with it?” asked Starsky.

“Remember how I asked how you would have felt about it if he’d told you he was gay?”

“You mean last year after he died? Yeah, I guess? I think I said I honestly didn’t know.”

“And do you remember what my response to that was?” asked Hutch.

“No, can’t say that I do, Hutch. It was over a year and a half ago! What does this have to do with….”

Hutch cut him off. “I said that’s probably why he stayed in the closet.”

“Okay. And?” Starsky prodded, getting impatient.

“Do you know why I said that, Starsk?”

“No, I don’t, and I really don’t see what that has to do with…..” Starsky began, but Hutch cut him off again.

“It has everything to do with it, Starsk!” said Hutch. “Because maybe I’m John Blaine, too.”

“What the hell are ya talkin’ about, Blondie? I’m not following you,” said Starsky, becoming frustrated. Wasn’t Hutch supposed to be explaining why he had slept with Kira? Wasn’t he supposed to be apologizing? And what about his dad? Why the hell was he talking about John Blaine of all things?

Getting teary-eyed again, Hutch blurted out, “Oh for chrissakes, it’s because I’m in love with……” but then he abruptly stopped, too scared to say the words.

“You’re in love with Kira?” Starsky asked incredulously, feeling the hurt and anger swell up in his chest, threatening to break his heart again.

“No dummy, with you!” said Hutch, desperately fighting back the tears now. Starsky’s heart skipped a beat. There it was again, that giddiness. Hutch was in love with him?

“Is that why you slept with Kira?” Starsky asked quietly.

Hutch nodded. “I didn’t know why I did it at the time. It was only when I thought about it today that I realized I’m in love with you. And I don’t know how to tell you that without you pushing me away. Without me losing you forever,” Hutch managed to sputter out, looking miserably at Starsky.

“Hutch, I don’t …..” said Starsky, and then paused as he realized he was shaking. “I…”

“Fuck,” Hutch said under his breath, beginning to tear up now. “I shouldn’t have told you,” he said. “Why would I think you would ever……”

“Shut up, will ya!” said Starsky sharply. “Just shut up, Hutch! Tell me why you slept with Kira if you’re not in love with her? I don’t understand!” There was that feeling again welling up in Starsky’s heart.

“Because I didn’t want to admit to myself that I had feelings for you. Because I wanted to convince myself that I had feelings for her. I also realized why I desperately wanted to fall in love with Marianne and why I went to her instead of to you after they beat me.”

“Marianne?” Starsky asked, and then thought about it. “Hutch, listen to me, I need to tell you something…….” Starsky began to say, but Hutch cut him off.

“I hope this doesn’t mean we’re over, partner,” Hutch said despondently, tears streaming freely down his cheeks now.

Starsky looked at Hutch and said, “I sat on the couch all day today, too, wondering about what Minnie said about me carrying a torch for the gorgeous blond sergeant. She meant Kira. But that’s not who I was carrying a torch for.”

“What?” asked Hutch through the tears, not understanding.

“I’m talkin’ about you, dummy,” said Starsky, getting teary himself now, his voice starting to tremble. “And I think Minnie knew that too.”

Hutch shook his head, signaling his confusion, while tears continued to stream down his face.

“Ya know, you can be really dense sometimes, Blondie,” said Starsky as he began to cry. Then he leaned close, took Hutch’s face in his hands, and kissed him hard and deep. And then Hutch kissed him back, kissing Starsky through the tears and the sorrow.

When they finally pulled away, they looked at each other, cheeks streaked with tears, hearts pounding, bodies shaking.

“When….?” Hutch began to ask. Starsky answered, “I realized today I was in love with you, too. That’s why I got so angry when I found you with Kira. Not because SHE betrayed me. But because YOU did. I wanted so much to believe I was in love with her. But it was you, all along. I think even when I slept with Meredith, it was you. See, I slept with my partner. But it wasn’t enough. And then I slept with a tall blond cop, and it wasn’t enough. Do you see what I’m gettin’ at?” Starsky cried while his hands gripped Hutch’s arms. Hutch squeezed his eyes shut but the tears continued to flow and his body began to shake even more.

Starsky continued in a trembling voice, “And so I realized today that you were the one, and always have been. And I’m not even sure how long I’ve felt this way. A year? Two years? Four years? I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. What matters is now.”

With that, he reached out and stroked Hutch’s face, brushing away the tears and running his fingers through Hutch’s hair, soothing him.

“So you forgive me?” asked Hutch.

“Are you kidding?” said Starsky. “How can I stay mad at those beautiful blue eyes? Come here,” said Starsky, and pulled Hutch into an embrace. He held him tightly as they both cried, their tears a mixture of joy and relief.

When they finally pulled away, Starsky asked solemnly, “So what’s gonna happen with your dad?”

“I don’t know,” said Hutch, “I told my mother I would call her tomorrow morning before I go to court.”

“Okay. If you need me to go to Duluth with you, just say the word.”

“Thanks, partner,” said Hutch, and leaned his head against Starsky’s. “So what are we going to do about Kira?”

Starsky got up from the chair and sat next to Hutch on the couch. Then he put his arms tightly around Hutch and pulled him close. “Did I mention she called me today? Asked me to meet her at Huggy’s tomorrow night. So I think I’ve got an idea. You know that Shylock quote from the Merchant of Venice?” said Starsky.

-The End-

**Author's Note:**

> OK, I have to admit, I find the idea of our guys sharing their first kiss while they're both crying, shaking, and overwhelmed with emotion, to be totally hot. And I especially love Hutch h/c. So that's why I wrote this story. 
> 
> And also because I needed to re-write the wrong that was "S vs H."
> 
> I'm not sure if other people think it's hot when our guys cry together, but they did it a lot in the show (Gillian, obviously; also Starsky's Lady and Manchild on the Streets). 
> 
> And of course there are other eps where one of them is crying or about to cry (Hutch when he leans against the wall in Shootout, Starsky when he visits Hutch in the Plague, Hutch in the men's room in Sweet Revenge, etc.). 
> 
> I just really want to hug them when they cry. And I want them to hug each other even more.


End file.
